Darkest Africa
by GottaLuvJoey
Summary: I'm bringing the gang to Africa... where I will calmly and coolly rip away all of their preconcieved ideas. Supposed to be satire, but then again... First ch by straykitty. NEW CHAPTER!
1. Prologue: Rodeo RoundUp

_Okay, you can blame this one on straykitty. SHE gave me this chapter, and told me she'd done her bit for the cause. What cause, I wanted to know. Getting you back into humour, that's what, she replied. So here I am. I've spent some time editing -I hopeI caught everything. And now... here it is. Enjoy.

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**Disclaimer: Are you kidding? Neither me OR straykitty own YGO.

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******__"Darkest Africa"_

**A/N: I KNOW Bakura doesn't wear glasses. But wouldn't they look cute on him?**

_Rodeo Round-Up_

1) Kaiba

"KAIBA!"

"Aaaah!" Kaiba fell and rolled for a few moments on the floor, trying to disentangle himself from his duvet.

"Oh, finally. Geez, are you a sound sleeper!"

"Who the hell are you?" growled Kaiba, poking his tousled head out from the duvet. "I'm going to call the…" He stared.

"Hey." The girl in front of him waved.

"You!" gasped Kaiba, crawling away backwards.

"Me." The girl seemed unconcerned. "Great. Look, you're invited to South Africa. Hoorah, hoorah, let's move on. Right, so, I've already got your stuff packed, taken the liberty of booking you into a hotel and…"

"A hotel? Who's paying?"

"You are, duh. You think _I_ have this kind of money?"

"Me?"

"Hey, not MY fault you're a multi-billionaire. Now get dressed. Your _official_ invite will be coming by email, but I'm here just to make sure you _do_ go. You _have_ to. Think of it as… oh, an educational experience." She smiled.

Kaiba swore. There was nothing else he could do. This… _person…_ was possibly the only being alive – besides Mokuba, of course – that could make him do what he didn't want to. She didn't use charm, though. She used blackmail.

2) Joey, Tristan and Ryou

Joey emerged from his room dressed and ready, with two different socks hidden beneath his long pants. He disappeared into the bathroom, and when he reappeared he made for the front door. "Cheers, S'ren!" he yelled.

"Bye!" Serenity called from her room.

The trip to Tristan's house was uneventful. When he arrived, Tristan led him up the stairs to his room, where Bakura was already waiting.

Noticing Tristan's computer on, Joey settled himself in the swivel chair in front of it. Tristan didn't react, so he wiggled the mouse and waited for the screen to clear. A small envelope was flashing in the bottom right hand corner.

"Hey, you got mail."

"From who?"

"I'll see…" He clicked on the icon, and the Outlook Express opened up. "Know anyone called straykitty?" he asked over his shoulder.

"Who?" Tristan banged his pad of paper onto the floor in front of Bakura and scrambled over to Joey's side. "straykitty? Never heard of them. Delete it."

"Nah, man. It's got your name in the subject line. And… mine? Hey, Bakura, you're in there too. C'mon, let's open it!"

"You've got me curious. Go ahead. If it's a virus, YOU can fix my computer."

"Yeah, right." Joey clicked the message, and began to read. "Hey, check this…"

"What?" asked Bakura, pushing his reading glasses onto the bridge of his nose and getting to his feet.

"Read it, and you'll see," said Joey mysteriously, his eyes still moving down the page.

"Okay…" Bakura locked his eyes on the screen. "_Dear Tristan Taylor, Joseph Wheeler and Ryou Bakura_… that's US!"

"Carry on," encouraged Tristan.

"_Dear Tristan Taylor, Joseph Wheeler and Ryou Bakura. _

_I trust that you are all safe and sound, and are at this moment wondering how in heaven's name I know who you are, and how I knew you'd all be here at the same time._

_Stop wondering. _

_This is not a message to confuse you, so put the matter out of your mind… for now. I am inviting you to Africa._"

"Africa!"

"_South Africa to be precise. I know that you have your own misconceptions about Africa. I will not correct them now. You will come to Africa, and _there_ your education shall begin. You will be staying at a hotel, courtesy Kaiba Corp._"

"Kaiba!" Joey stared at the screen, and was about to continue when Tristan cut him off with an abrupt, "Shut up!"

"Sorry. Carry on," he flapped his hands in Bakura's direction and sank into the chair.

"_Do not ask how I convinced your worst enemy to pay your way, Mr. Wheeler. I will not tell you. Chances are, you are going to find out pretty soon anyway. You will receive more information later today._

_Sincerely yours,_

_Meow,_

_straykitty._"

"Meow?"

"See, with the curly bracket and the colons. I think it must be a trademark of some sort."

"How can you be so calm?" Joey turned and stared at his white-haired friend. "We're going to _Africa_, man! On Kaiba's money! Sweet!"

3) Yami, Yugi, Marik and Bakura 

"Your move, oh mighty Game-king."

"Shut up, tomb robber. I'm thinking."

"Well hurry up your thinking or I'll move _for_ you!" snapped Marik, toying irritably with the tiny plastic iron that had been left out when they'd picked their pieces. Yugi, through means of those ridiculous puppy-dog eyes, had conned the Pharaoh into letting him be the dog. Luckily, Marik had snatched up the speedboat before Yami and Bakura stopped arguing, so they were left with the boat and the hat. Bakura won the coin toss and thus received, with much gloating, the ship.

"Okay…" Yami cleared his throat. "Bakura, hand me Electricity."

"Why?"

"Because I want to wear it as a hat, why do you _think_?"

"Alright, no need to get snippy. Even if it _is_ that time of the – "

Yugi's hand covered Bakura's mouth. "Okay, I think I'll take over as bank!" he said, ignoring Yami's confused look.

Bakura pushed Yugi's hand away from his mouth. "Fine by me."

"Hello boys, playing Monopoly?" Yugi's grandfather entered the room carrying an envelope. "Here, Yugi, post for you and Yami."

"Thanks!" Yugi accepted the envelope and handed Yami the card he wanted. "It's your move, Marik."

"I intend to make it a good one." Marik snatched the dice up and cupped them in his hands.

"Hey, look at this!" said Yugi, waving his letter around. "It's addressed to all of us!"

"_All_? How can it be to all of us – Bakura and I don't even _live_ here."

"See for yourself." Yugi tossed the envelope to Marik.

"_Yugi and Yami Moto, Marik Ishtar and Bakura, spirit of the Ring._ He's right! Read it." He tossed the letter back to Yugi. It fell slightly short, bouncing off of Yami's hair before landing on Bakura's lap.

Bakura gave Marik a disgusted look. "Your throwing is worse than your Monopoly playing," he said, passing the envelope to Yugi.

Yami massaged the tip of one of his spikes. "I think that made a dent."

"It's paper, Yami," Yugi explained patiently.

"So?"

Yugi let out a long-suffering sigh and muttered, "Never mind."

"Aw, brotherly squabbles," said Bakura, grinning maliciously.

"Brotherly? I'm about five thousand years Yugi's senior."

"Hey, _I'm_ not the one who wrote 'Yugi and Yami Moto'. At least I had a fairly respectable title."

"Oh, mighty spirit of the Ring. Allow me to quake in terror… or not."

"Better than being saddled with the pathetic mortal who is my so-called reincarnation," Bakura sniffed.

"We're going to Africa!" Yugi exploded, jumping to his feet and dragging Yami to his. "We're going to Africa! We're going to Africa!" he sang, dancing around Yami and Bakura. Marik bum-shuffled away from him, out of range of his wildly flying feet.

"Africa?" he asked.

"Africa!" confirmed Yugi at the top of his lungs. "Read the letter."

Marik took the letter, a feeling of foreboding seeping into his stomach. This could not possibly be good.

4) Tea, Serenity, Ishizu and Mai

"Yoo-hoo! Tea! Serenity! Over here!"

"Mai!" Tea hurried over to the small table where the blonde sat, dragging Serenity behind her.

"Have a seat. You look, uh, _slightly_ ruffled," said Mai, looking at Tea's drenched clothes and Serenity's windswept hair and rumpled clothes.

"Thanks." Tea sat, squelching damply. "I fell in the fountain outside. Well, I was pushed, but I'm sure it was an accident."

"It was very windy," Serenity added, twisting her skirt until it was the right way around and taking the other empty chair. "They must have wanted to get inside quickly."

"Very quickly," Mai said, waving at a waitress. "You want something?"

"A cappuccino would be super."

"No, nothing for me, thanks."

"Great. A latte and a cappuccino – "

"Weak, please," interrupted Tea.

"Thanks." Mai smiled as the waitress went to give in their orders. "So, what's news?"

"Not much. You?"

"Hello there!" Ishizu came up to the table and smiled at the three.

"Ishizu! Have seat – here!" Tea pulled a chair from another table and patted it.

"Thanks." Ishizu sank into the chair, putting down her parcels. "My arms are killing me."

Mai's cell phone beeped loudly. She picked it up and read, "One new email."

"Who from?"

"Someone called straykitty. Hey, it's addressed to all of us!"

"What?"

"See for yourself – Mai Valentine, Tea Gardener, Serenity Wheeler and Ishizu Ishtar."

"Read it!" chorused Tea and Serenity. Ishizu nodded.

"Okay…" Mai's eyes moved across her phone's screen. She gasped. "She… well, I'm assuming it's a she… knew you were wet, Tea!"

"What?"

"Hang on… Africa! We're going to Africa!"

"Africa? No way! How come?"

"No idea. This… straykitty… said she'd send more information later."

"Cool. Freaky, that she knew we were together, but still cool!"

Ishizu closed her eyes. She could feel a headache coming on.

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_There. Finished. All the following chapters will be written by ME, never fear._

_Cheers!_

_GLJ_


	2. Chapter One: Kaiba Causes Chaos

Okay, now I feel like an idiot. I thought I'd updated, and lo and behold the chapter is still sitting in "Documents"! Sorry about the long delay, folks. I'm just a moron.

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_So, here we are at chapter one... thanks to straykitty for helping even though she said she wouldn't... -.-_''_ I had to get -cough- someone-cough- in character. And a great big hurrah! I love writing humour!_

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**Disclaimer: Ha ha, funny one... When I own YGO I'll let you know, but until then...

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****_"Darkest Africa"_**

**Kaiba Causes Chaos**

"So… we all got the same email. Are you sure?"

"Even see for yourself." Mai held out her cell-phone.

Ryou scrolled through the message. "I'm stumped. How could she know that Tristan and Joey had come over to my house, and that Tea was wet?"

"Why did they come over?"

"Help with their English essays… but that's not the issue!" Ryou shook his head. "This is weird."

"Like we have a stalker… or stalkers," said Tea. "It's freaky."

"Beyond freaky. So, what're we going to do?" asked Mai, hands on hips.

"Email!" called Tristan and Joey in unison. They looked at each other and burst out laughing.

"Now, now, children, behave." Marik grinned and stopped rifling through the contents of Ishizu's purse.

Ishizu smacked his head and took it away from him. "Be nice, brother."

"I am, sister dear," said Marik innocently. Bakura snorted loudly, and Marik's angelic expression slipped into a scowl. "You're ruining the moment!" he snapped accusingly.

"Moment? I didn't notice a moment." Bakura looked up at his light, who was sitting on the bed behind him. "Did you notice a moment?"

Ryou stared down at Bakura. "What? Sorry I didn't… I wasn't concentrating." He blushed.

"Evidently the answer is '_no_'." Bakura lifted himself into a cross-legged position.

Ryou looked confused.

"Don't worry about it," Tea advised him. "It's a psycho thing."

"Do I look psycho to you?" asked Marik in an injured tone. His hair was standing up at the back, where Ishizu had hit him, and he had a gleam in his eyes that, in a certain light, could be perceived as demented.

"Do you want an honest answer?"

Joey cleared his throat. "If you guys will stop arguing long enough, Tristan is going to read the email."

"Him?" began Marik indignantly, but before he could continue to rant about how it was an insult to his intelligence, amongst other things, Tea kicked him.

"_Attention: The "Gang", the Ishtars and the Ring-spirit._

_Glad you all got my previous email._

_Now that all of you have gathered together, with the obvious exception of the Kaiba brothers (though I believe Mokuba was all for telling you about their email), I have the chance to fill you in properly._

_My screen name is straykitty. My real name is… not important. That's all you have to know about me._

_I am bringing you to Africa. My… acquaintance, GottaLuvJoey (okay, Mister Wheeler, you can wipe that smile off of your face right now) will show you around. It was her idea to rid you of your preconceptions, so I disclaim any responsibility for whatever happens._

_You will be on the flight from Tokyo Airport (if you're asking for a name, go ask someone else. I didn't book the flight) to Johannesburg, South Africa. A representative of mine will be there to guide you through the airport – special arrangements have been made for you. At the JHB International Airport, the representative will show you where to go. You will be staying at the Hilton Hotel… the best, they assure me._

_Have a fantastic trip – I hope you learn something!_

_Sincerely_

_Meow,_

_straykitty_."

"Meow? What does she think this is, the petting zoo?"

"Oh, no. It's a trademark kind of thing. See, her name's straykitty, so that's where – "

"Do you think I'm an idiot? No, wait don't answer that." Kaiba rubbed his eyes and turned his attention to his younger brother, who was sitting happily on the girl's lap. "What do you think?" he asked, although he thought he knew the answer.

"Let's go!" yelled Mokuba, jumping to his feet and proving Seto right.

Seto sighed heavily. "I was afraid you might say that…"

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"Hey, there's Kaiba!" 

"Pretend we don't know them, Mokie. No, Mokuba! Come back here! Oh, boy."

"Hi, Kaiba! Ready for the trip?"

Kaiba treated Yugi to a long, unfriendly look.

"Guess not," sighed the shorter boy, rubbing his forehead.

"Why not? Haven't you been to Africa before?" asked Yami, interested.

"No… and why would I want to?"

"That's not the attitude to have."

"Don't tell me what my attitude should be, Yugi. I'm not here by choice."

Kaiba stalked away. Yugi watched him go, then shrugged and turned to the others. Tristan was holding court.

"It's different there. Very different." He winked in Serenity's direction, but she didn't notice, deep in conversation with Mai and Tea.

"Stop telling us it's strange, you goof. We heard you the first million times!" Joey punched his friend on the arm. "Tell us something we don't already know."

"Well," began Tristan thoughtfully. "They have lions roaming freely there – in the streets and everything. I had a friend, who's sister's friend's cousin met someone from there, and they said that they swing on vines to get around."

"I wonder if we'll meet Tarzan!" piped up Tea, joining the conversation.

"I heard that they get around on elephants," said Serenity shyly.

"Tigers!" added Duke excitedly. He'd gotten his own, private invite, as he hadn't been with any of the others at the time of the first email.

"Tigers don't come from Africa, you twit! Anyway, how would they ride tigers?"

"How should I know? Never been there, have I?"

"Isn't there a war going on there?"

"No, there's the apart-thingy."

"That's finished, isn't it?"

"You know, I've never met more out-of date people in my life. The "apart-thingy", as you call it, ended in nineteen ninety-four. Africa is an impoverished continent, and South Africa will be no different." Kaiba looked back down at his laptop, rolling his eyes.

"What?" chorused the rest.

And chaos erupted.

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_If you have a misconception about Africa... or know somewho who has one... and I haven't listed it here, let me know. I wouldn't want to leave anything out._

_Well, tell me what you think... (hint, hint)_

_this is GLJ, signing off..._


	3. Chapter Two: Don't Try This At Home

_Sorry this has taken so long... I'm sick! -sniffles- Ah, well..._

_Enjoy!_

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**Disclaimer: Me no own YGO. Me no own "the girl" (straykitty does). Happy?**

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_**"Darkest" Africa**_

**Don't Try This At Home**

"You mean, they don't have electricity?" shrieked Mai.

"But… how will I blow-dry my hair?" wailed Duke.

"What do you mean, they won't have 'Pharaoh Deluxe' hair gel?" demanded Yami, tenderly patting his hair.

"I can't FUNCTION without processed sugar!" sobbed Ryou, burying his head in the shoulder of the completely nonplussed Bakura.

"Utter chaos, huh? Sounds like fun." Marik grinned.

"Who cares about that? WILL THEY HAVE PIZZA?" Tristan asked the ceiling.

"SHUT UP!"

Kaiba looked up from his laptop and scowled at the girl who had shouted. "You."

"Yup, me."

"I thought I'd got rid of you."

"I don't unstick that easy, Kaiba." The girl pulled a megaphone from her bag and aimed it at the still-chaotic cast. "I SAID, **_SHUT UP!_**"

They cringed at the noise reverberating through their skulls and subsided.

"THANK YOU."

Joey gasped. "It's _you_."

The girl nodded.

"Who, who is it? I can't see, dammit!" Yami shoved a snickering Bakura out of the way and stared at the girl. He echoes Joey's gasp. "_You._"

"Who _is_ she, that everyone suddenly is planning a reunion ball?" asked Mai.

"You know me, Mai. Your brain just refuses to let you know it. Right, is everyone here? Yes? Good. Follow me, please." The girl slipped the megaphone into her pocket and began to walk away.

"Uh, yeah, sure. We're just going to follow you. Right. Whatever." Mai folded her arms across her chest.

The girl stopped. She turned around, ever so slowly, and raised one eyebrow. "One, two…"

As she said 'three!' Kaiba's laptop beeped imperiously.

"And, cue message. Read it, Kaiba."

Kaiba cleared his throat and read out loud one sentence. "_I have sent one of my alter egos to escort you – you are to go with her._"

"That's it?"

The girl nodded. "Now, let's go everyone…" She walked to a wall and pulled open a plain brown door with a small nameplate on it. "After you."

Everyone went in. As Ishizu entered, she glanced at the nameplate. It read, _No Real People Allowed._

"What?" she thought, and filed the fact away to think about later.

The room they were in was a typical office. The girl waved at some chairs arranged in a circle in the middle of the room, and the cast sat down. There were exactly enough chairs.

"So, right." The girl examined a clipboard and spoke into a mic that was suddenly clipped to her ear. "And commence in…" She began to count down. "3… 2… 1…"

There was a crack, and the girl started to walk forward, but then the circle of chairs was engulfed in thick green smoke and she stopped dead.

"What was that about?" she asked into her mic. She listened for a moment, and then snapped, "What do mean, a temporary malfunction? This is precision work, moron. You don't mess around with transferring people between worlds!"

She ripped the headset off and flung it on the desk, fanning at the green smoke with her hands. The smoke slowly cleared to show the cast sitting in their chairs, eyes closed. Bakura was twitching slightly, but other than that, there was no movement.

"Okay," she muttered, half to herself. "Showtime…"

She pulled a sweet little plastic wand out of her back pocket and began to walk around the circle, smacking each person on the face with the pink star on the tip of the wand. It made a particularly satisfying _thwack_ when it met with Kaiba's forehead.

The walls shuddered. The girl opened the door a crack, then grinned and opened it wider. "Hey! GLJ! Over here! One delivery of characters, fresh from the aniverse!"

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_Ta da!_

_Sorry it's so short, but the REAL story only starts next chappie!_

_So... review, please? I'll give ya cookies!_

_this is GLJ, signing off..._


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